Jun 11, 2018

Three Reasons Why Everybody Dates Jerks

It's a common statement: feminists hate it, comedians make jokes about it, men mutter it all the time: "chicks dig jerks."

Here's the thing, though: while this is true, what everybody forgets is that it's not like men make consistently great dating decisions either.  The truth is, we all make mistakes, male or female, gay or straight. Why? We’ve asked Alex Wise a co-founder and of
Loveawake dating site and a relationship coach. Alex has pinpointed some of the most common reasons.

We're Dumb When It Comes to Relationships

I talked earlier about why men don't know how to have a relationship, but it also applies to women as well.  The truth is, to have a good relationship requires, well, relating, and that's not something anybody is born with.  You have to get in some practice, and this goes for both women and men.  And not all of the practice is fun.

For example, a huge stumbling block a lot of people have, and I know this because I see the hundreds of questions I get on the topic, is confrontation.  Men are no better at confronting people than women, they're just more likely to do it because they're told they have to.  Still, a lot of the issues I'm asked about really boil down to having to sit your husband or boyfriend down and ask them what's going on.

I do this to guys, too, by the way.  While it's not on a website, whenever a guy comes to me for advice about his girlfriend doing something weird, my question is always the same: "Did you ask her about it?"  The answer, inevitably, is no.

This is why a lot of people end up with somebody bad for them: they just can't ask the hard questions.

We're Hormone-Addled

Show me somebody who has never gotten into or stayed in a relationship they knew was bad news because the sex was great, and I'll show you a liar.

One thing people don't realize is that while we're more than capable of making rational decisions with our brain, there are structures inside the brain that don't want to.  Why did your friend take up with the douchebag covered in tattoos that she knew was a cheating dog?  Because while her rational brain was ticking off all the reasons it was a bad idea, the part of her brain that wants to propagate the species was screaming "AGGRESSIVE!  STRONG!  GOOD PHYSIQUE!  GOOD GENETICS!  BREED!  NOW!  NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!"

Sometimes, that part wins.  It's the same with guys.  We know, in our guts, the easy hot chick is probably very, very bad news, whether the bad news is venereal disease or a jealous ex-boyfriend/husband/brother/pimp.

Hence, bad relationships and paternity lawsuits.

We Have Terrible Role Models

Look, if you're really lucky, your parents are happily married, but you don't see them date.  You don't talk to your dad about his previous relationship screwups, or that time he banged the stripper while he and mom were on the outs back in college, just like you don't ask your mom about the night you got conceived, or how drunk she was the first time she met your dad.  All of this is stuff you'd kill NOT to know.  Many people think their parents had a perfect relationship that started smoothly and will continue smoothly until they both die at the exact same time of natural causes in a painless, happy way, because the alternative means you drink to forget.

And that's if your parents are happily married.  I had trouble talking to girls for a long time for a fairly simple reason: I just didn't have that many women in my life as a kid.  It's nobody's fault, but basically I didn't log the time talking to women that many kids got.

Not that you should pattern your interactions with your significant other on your mom or dad, but it helps to have somebody you can figure out behavior patterns with who actually has a vagina. I didn't have any understanding of women until I got to high school and became friends with a lesbian.

So, take heart, if you're in a bad relationship...at least you know what you need to work on.

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